G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Review

By: Chris Akins

Starring: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Christopher Eccleston
Year: 2009

It's no secret that I'm a huge Joe fan. I've been playing with the toys since I was 7 and watching the ridiculous show as well (you gotta love those PSAs). So it goes without saying that in a film made for the fans, I loved it. I'm not saying it was a really good movie, but it's fun as hell to watch. Now there isn't really much of a story to talk about, and I don't want to give away TOO many spoilers for those of you who haven't seen it, so I'm gonna list off the worst and best things about this movie and let you guys make your own decision.

THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT G.I. JOE:

1. Channing Tatum can't act. Who the hell hired him as the lead? And for that matter, who the hell hired him as anything? He may look like Duke but he is retarded on screen. They should of had a clue when they looked at his resume and saw that his first movie was Step Up.

2. Baroness has an Eastern European accent and is not an American blonde, turned brunette (cause dark hair is evil apparently). They completely disregard the accent in favor of making her more of a love interest for Duke, otherwise known as emotionally retarded, Channing Tatum.

3. Complete lack of regard for collateral damage. Thousands die and no one seems to care, but in their defense, I didn't care about the countless innosense who were killed when I played with the toys either. (4-7 CONTAIN SPOILERS, READ AT YOUR OWN WILL)

4. Storm Shadow dies. Okay it always happens when I play toys and he totally deserves it cause he's a tool, but now who is Snake Eyes gonna fight? Storm Shadow was the only one who could ever keep up with him. Not he's pretty much unstoppable. I'm also disappointed at the fact that killed off a known character in an origin movie! That's like killing off Cyclops in the Woverine movie with the director watching after it already came out, saying "Oh sh**. Didn't think that one through."

5. Baroness turns good. Not okay. They explain that nanobots are what made her bad in the first place, but she needs to stay bad to keep her character somewhat faithful to the original. They already took her accent, what's next? Her leather suit? Granted the nanobots still in her so she better start hailing Cobra for the sequel.

6. The fall of Cobra. For a movie about his rise, the Joes totally kick his ass and lock him up in prison. I bet they all feel like douches for not executing him after he escapes and causes mass chaos. They do set it up so he'll get out but still, I wish it would have ended with him getting away.

7. Destro is a pussy. After being the top dog the whole movie, his face gets screwed up and Cobra totally takes control of him. Does he do anything? No. He whines and calls Cobra a monster, crying about his metal face. He just did the one thing that makes your character recognizable, and now your crying about it? Look at Cobra's face! You don't see him crying!

8. Cobra voice with mask. The mask wasn't what bothered me, it's what the mask did to his voice. He sounded pretty good and close enough to the original Cobra the whole movie until he put on the mask and sounded like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. The original Cobra voice was the most epic/evil voice in the history of pop culture and they traded it for essentially a Darth Vader voice changer. Though his Evil laugh was pretty awesome.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT G.I. JOE:

1. Making the laser guns cool. In the old 80s cartoon, there was apparently some kind of rule about guns shooting bullets, and this is a problem for a show primarily about shooting people. So, they replaced the bullets with bright lasers making every battle look like a gay pride light show, or a Transformers battle. In the movie they did a spin on this, not using bullets but energy pulse rounds that would f** your sh** up. Just ask the helicopter pilot from the beginning of the movie.

2. Unnecessary amounts of cleavege. Both Baroness and Scarlott are insanely hot and seem to show off their assets whenever possible. The Baroness has an outfit with a neckline down to her stomach in the middle if Antartica. Best way to defeat the Joes? Say this- "Is it chilly in here?"

3. Girl fight. Scarlott and Baroness go at it a lot and it's freaking awesome. Seriously, do I even need to explain this?

4. Brenden Frasier. Normally the mark of a bad movie is when you see his face, but the exceptions to this are the first two Mummies. Luckily this is the same director of those movies and when he shows up, you can't help but like him. He's only there for like 5 minutes but that's all you need with him.

5. Awesome cheesy dialogue. Director Stephan Sommers may not be Tarrentino, but he knows his Joe fans. One of the best things about the old cartoons is the lame PSAs that always end in the same catchphrase. Well aparently General Hawk took these PSAs to heart and made them his own philosophy by telling Duke "Knowing is half the battle." Also, it took the whole damn movie but someone finally said "YO JOE!"

6. Snake Eyes. Nothing more.

7. Snake Eyes fights Storm Shadow. Any child who liked Joes had their Snakes Eyes/Storm Shadow two piece set in which we would enact the most epic fight scenes of all time. Stephan Sommers had bigger toys.

8. Huge upgrade in henchmen. Henchmen normally do nothing but delay the hero from reaching the villain. Cobras troops however are freaking unstoppable! Only Snake Eyes can easily take one down. A grenade lands on one's foot and does nothing to him! Cobra definately wins henchmen of the year award. Where were these guys in the 80s when he needed them?

9. F*** France. Destro has a bit of a vendetta with the cowardly country and decides to evaporate it from existance. The Joes ultimately stop that, but the Eiffle Tower still falls over killing thousands of Frenchmen. Not to mention the utter mayhem the Joes themselves cause during the car chase scene, showing that good or evil, no body likes the French.

10. Cobra is evil. This technically should go without saying, but in the cartoons he was almost a laughable villain. None of his plots worked and he had a ridiculas mirror mask. In this movie, he is noticeably more evil in both his plots and his demeanor. He is much more menacing a villain than Megatron could ever hope to be. If only he had his voice!

Like I said, I really enjoyed the movie and look forward to the sequel, but a lot of people won't feel that way (Mike). So putting aside my love of the source material, as a movie, Joe gets a 6 out of 10. Mediocre action flick for those who want to have fun watching a movie and a 9 out of 10 for fans of the series.

 

6 out of 10 Nerdism Nerds.