Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Review
By: Chris Akins
Starring: Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Alan Rickman
Year: 2009
I've never actually read any of the Harry Potter books despite the fact that I was the perfect age for them when they were making J K Rowling a step above Oprah rich. The reason for this was simple, they were freaking long. I was also aware of the fact that the Sorcerer's Stone was in production (For those of you who think childrens stories of magic are the works of the devil, it's the first Harry Potter book) and I'm sure as hell not going to read for countless hours when I can just as easily stare at a screen for two. Besides, I like to think this grants me a better ability to view the film like any other movie rather than some fanboy screaming because Dumbledore's beard isn't long enough.
Even having not read the books, I found most of the films to be quite enjoyable (with the exception of the forth one which was simply too cluttered and felt out of place with the series). Sure there were certain plotholes, (Why the hell couldn't they fix everything with their time traveling pocket watch that's never mentioned after the third movie?) but even with these minor flaws, I always look forward to the next installment. That brings us to now, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Now being that even I knew how it ended because of all the fanboys and girls spoiling the book for everyone the day of publication, there will be spoilers in this review. If you don't know what happens, take a week to read the book and then come back to me.
Now the film started off in a fashion I was unfamiliar with, for once we don't see Harry's family (who are in desperate need of a visit from social services). Instead we have him seemingly living in a train station. I didn't read it, so I don't know what's up with that. Then it looks as if he's finally going to get laid with a hot black British chick (the best kind). As things are finally looking good for Harry, Dumbledore shows up to f*** it all up. Harry is not at all phased by the senile old man's crazy antics so he goes along with it. Anyway, Dumbledore totally exploits the young wizard to get his old friend to teach again, basically saying "If you come back, you can teach the chosen one. That makes you Obi-Wan." And as everybody wishes to be Obi- Wan, he accepts.
Now we come to the bad guys, and it's made clear they're the bad guys because they dress in black and are followed by black smoke, because everybody knows black stuff is evil. (Totally not in a racist way though, right Rowling?) Its also made clear by the fact that they totally kill people. Anyway they show up at Snapes house (he's the dick who teaches potions at Hogwarts) and OMG! He's was a bad guy all along! Big shocker Rowling, make the douche turn out to be evil. Next you'll probably tell us that Malfoy is the evil chosen one! So anyway it turns out Malfoy is the evil chosen one, and it's up to Snape to protect him. (Because Malfoy is a huge pussy who cries whenever a wand is pointed at him.)
Harry is now at Ron's house, which he seems to visit everytime he leaves home (surely the bad guys won't notice a trend) and for some reason Hermione is there as well. With Ron. Alone. In his room. Did I mention she's totally hot (it's cool she's over 18 now) and obviously in love with Ron? How the hell are his parents okay with them sleeping in the same room? Anyway, Harry is here to cockblock his best friend. (Most likely because he didn't get to score with the girl in the train station.) There is also quite a bit of sexual tension between Harry and Ron's sister Ginny, who was up till this point, nothing more than a side character. It's also kinda creepy cause she's a younger sister and Harry is in his f***ing 20s! (okay he's 16 in the story, but does anyone honestly buy that?) So now they're on a train back to school, Hermione is being a smartass, Malfoy is being a dick, and everything is business as usual. That is until Dumbledore tells everyone that they could be brutally killed at any moment. Way to start off the year. I couldn't help but think about the poor fist year students thinking this school was pretty hardcore compared to elementary school.
Anyway, a bunch of stuff happens that's pretty much like any other Potter film except for the fact that everyone is trying to get laid at the same time. There's an exceptionally funny scene where Ron eats some chocolate laced with a love potion and starts acting like the drunk girl at a party. Also Harry finds some book the was owned by "The Half Blood Prince" hence the title. It's full of notes and spells and crap, one of which he uses to nearly murder Malfoy. Seriously, he totally follows him into a room and kills the crap of him, blood everywhere. Then Snape shows up and uses his insta-heal spell and everyone goes on like Harry Potter didn't just commit f***ing murder. Then we get to the good stuff. Dumbledore reveals in a very Lord of the Rings fashion that Voldemort (AKA main bad dude who never shows up in this movie) is kept alive because of several artifacts that hold his power and must be destroyed. Then, instead of asking a teacher or any experienced wizard, he asks Harry to accompany him on an extremely dangerous mission to gain one such artifact. During said mission, awesomeness ensues as Dumbledore totally massacres an army of undead (cause every good series needs zombies).
Meanwhile, Malfoy invites the evil gang to hang out at the school and ambush Dumbledore. When Dumbledore returns, he sends Harry to fetch Snape as Malfoy shows up to kill the old wizard. Now what I can't understand is why a dude who just firestormed his way out of an undead army is suddenly incapable of defeating a stupid teenager who we already established is a pussy. He demonstrates this by chickening out. Then Snape joins the party and (SPOILERS!!!!!!!) murders Dumbledore. Harry goes nutso and tries to take on Snape but gets his ass handed to him. It is then revealed that Snape is the Half Blood Prince (TITLE!). So everyone mourns Dumbledore, and Harry prepares to kick some serious Voldemort ass... In the next movie! This one is over.
Overall it was pretty good. Though it seemed like all the characters were extremely uncomfortable around each other (most likely cause they're adults playing children). Also the climax of the movie was very anticlimactic! You barely get to see Snape kill Dumbledore and there's no epic battle. Just a sequence of him falling out of the tower. I know it turns out (Spoilers) that Snape was actually good, but there could have at least been a little defense by Dumbledore! Still, it was an interesting change of tone for the series and made me ponder, how awesome would it be if instead of the lame ending of part 7, Harry turns evil. It'd be a total Darth Vader moment and everyone in the audience would crap their pants. Plus, there'd be room for more sequels! But then the fans would get all pissy and ruin it. Anyway, solid film. Not the best in the series but at least top three.
7 out of 10 Nerdism Nerds.
