Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Review

By: Chris Akins

Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen
Year: 2008

The Indiana Jones series is one of the best cinema has to offer. everyone remember's Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Last Crusade (though I tend to forget Temple of Doom) because of their wonderful, yet somehow believable adventures (okay the two-thousand year old knight was pushing it). We were eager to see all the shenanigans our favorite archeologist could dish out after the third film and our prayers were answered with the announcement of the fourth. When we heard Indiana Jones 4, we said "YAY!!!" When we heard it was called The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, we said "YA-huh? What the hell is that?" The reason the original Indys were so popular, was because the artifacts in question, were something we've heard of. Religious artifacts like the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and... Uh, Shortround (in all honesty, I didn't like Temple of Doom anyway). Now the long awaited sequel to one of the most beloved franchises of all time is about something that no one has ever heard of! However, it's still Indy, so they can't screw it up too bad right?

WRONG! The story begins with Indy captured by the Soviets and he unfortunately seems to have come down with a terrible case of the OLD. But age can't stop our hero! Afterall, Sean Connery was getting the same chicks as his son. So, unbenounced to us, Indy was apparently part of some team that salvaged something at Area 51. Do I even need to go on? We all know where it's going from here. The moment they said that, we all knew that this was the end for our dear Indiana. But the story goes on... The Soviets want Indy to find the box that contains what was found in Area 51. Because it is extremely magnetic, he finds it by throwing gunpowder into the air. Inside the box is a crystal skull. (Well that's the movie!... If only.) Indy uses this as a perfect opportunity to escape and runs away to a nuclear testing grounds, that is for some reason within walking distance of the place where the government hides aliens and the lost arc. Indy realizes where he is when an alarm goes off. Now, brace yourself for this, cause this may be the defining moment in which I lost all hope in humanity. Indy hides inside of a fidge that is is specially marked "lead lined". He is then hit with a f***ing nuclear warhead and gets shot out of the blast like a f***ing escape pod, and there isn't a f***ing thing wrong with him!!!!!! Let me take this time to explain the mind f*** that is this scene. I can understand that in his senility, Indy may have thought a fridge could save him. Hell, it's better than the school safty drill of hiding under your desk. But as anyone who's seen Alien 3 can tell you, lead melts. It melts into an extremely hot death liquid. Now, anyone in Hiroshima can tell you that nuclear explosions are hot, really f***ing hot. That hot combined with melting death liquid creates a very non-existent Indiana Jones. Also, of all the fridges to be magically shot out of the explosion, what are the odds it would be that one? Seriously? There's like at least 30 houses there, only one has the magic lead? And he just happened to find that one? And finally, NUCLEAR F***ING RADIATION! It is the number one cause of death in a nuclear strike! It can affect people miles away from a blast. He was IN the f***ing blast and he's just dandy. I'm not even going to go over his britle old bones bouncing around in the fridge after being shot out at the speed of a bullet. I just give up on this scene, and all my childhood hopes and dreams.

Which leads to Indy being questioned by the government, who thinks he's working for the Soviets (cause they kidnap and try to kill all their friends). When they let him go, he's under survaillence. It's right about this time, Shia Le Beouf shows up and starts acting retarded (you know, like he normally does) Then for seemingly no reason at all, a car chase ensues, not an exciting high speed chase, a chase that would equate to a Jazzie trying to outrun a segway. Indy and Shia escape (obviously) and begin to search for the crystal skull (cause apparently the Soviets lost or some sh** (I don't know, I stopped paying attention). They find it and are baffled by it's misshapen head (it's alien shaped, and not a single person has pointed it out in the movie yet). Now that things seem to be going well, they get captured by the Soviets, again (in retrospect, Indy doesn't have the best track record when it comes to not getting caught. He would be a terrible bankrobber or serial killer.) It is also revealed that the Soviets have captured the girl from the Raiders of the Lost Ark too. But that's not all! Shia is her son, but that's not all either! Indy is his father! Who didn't see that coming? No one? Oh nevermind then. If you thought it couldn't get better, hold on to you hot pockets. It turns out, the skull is an alien!!!!! Dun dun dun!!!! (Seriously, was this supposed to be a big reveal?) Now surely a plot involving the Soviets and Aliens must be diabolical and ingenius right? Some kind of Communist Death Star? No, the evil plan is to use the skull as mind control. I sh** you not. As if this film wasn't ridiculous enough with the aliens, now they've thrown mind control into the mix. Needless to say, they all escape the evil clutches with the skull and some epic fail takes place that I can only mention in parenthesis (Shia swings from jungle ropes with an army of monkeys like f***ing Tarzan and a fullgrown man is eaten by ants, are you even surprised anymore?)

Soon they find a lost city (that no one else has found despite being right in the f***ing open) and we finally get to some classic Indy moments, well one moment at least, the next is spent returning the skull to it's rightful place and having a series of alien skeletons converge into one douchebag alien who blows up the evil Soviet chick for no reason other than to make it clear aliens are dicks. Then a huge f***ing spaceship comes out of the ground and flies away leaving Indy wondering what the f*** just happened. We don't know Indy, we don't know.

By now it's quite obvious that George Lucas is trying to merge Indiana Jones with Star Wars. The only logical sequel will be the aliens returning to earth to abduct Indy and restore his youth, then take him to a galaxy far far away, erase his memory, and slap a nametag that says Han Solo on his shirt. The rest will play itself out. At least then I could make sense of this movie. Otherwise it'll always just be that one night George Lucas got stoned with Steven Spielberg and ruined a franchise for the second time (the first being Jar Jar). While alone this movie isn't bad, as a part of the Indiana Jones franchise, it's a WTF. 6 out of 10 stars, and that's pushing it. That means it's worth seeing, but only so you can complain about how sh***y it is compared to the old ones.

6 out of 10 Nerdism Nerds.