Star Wars Review

By: Michael Lee

Starring: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher
Year: 1977

What movie features a cross-bow shooting Sasquatch, a space ship the size of a moon, and a drunk walrus/man hybrid? Why it's Star Wars of course (and anybody who dare calls it Episode IV: A New Hope can go to Hell)! This is the definition of an Epic movie, probably one of the first, and it's ruined just as many lives as it has inspired. But that's the fun of this movie, because for every socially-retarded nerd who lives in their parent's basement that likes this movie, there is an awesomely rich and popular guy who likes it too. Just try not to talk to chicks about it.

 

So Star Wars starts off on a Rebel blockade runner being attacked by a Imperial Star Destroyer (I can already picture the fathoms of female readers who has left this article based on the first sentence alone). On board the blockade runner are Princess Leia, and two droids, R2-D2 and C-3PO. Leia gives the blueprints of the Empire's ultimate moon sized space ship weapon, The Death Star, to R2 and the two droids evacuate the ships as Darth Vader boards, killing many-a-Rebel in the process. R2 and Threepio land on a desert planet called Tatooine. There they are captured by Jawas (essentially midget droid smugglers with flashlights for eyes and who wear monk robes). Enter Luke Skywalker, a farmer who buys the droids from the Jawas. Now over a dinner featuring blue milk, you learn from his crazy old douche of an uncle that Luke's father was killed in war, and to prevent him from ending up like his father, he refuses to let the 17-year old join the Rebels, which is his dream. When he returns from that dinner, R2 has run off, searching for old Ben Kenobi, who his message is for. The next day Luke and Threepio go after R2. When they find him, trouble stirs up with the native Sand People. and Luke winds up knocked out, C-3PO looses an arm, and R2 gets tipped over (which is enough to stop him). Ben (or Obi-wan; Which ever floats your boat) Kenobi arrives just in time to save the boy and his droids, and proceeds to take him back to his house. There, Obi-wan listens to the message recorded on R2 by Princess Leia concerning the Death Star plans and the Rebel Alliance. Obi-wan decides he's gonna pack up his bags and go to her home planet of Alderaan to help the Rebels. After giving Luke Skywalker his father's lightsaber (cause Luke's father and old Obi-wan were war buddies), Obi-Wan invites Luke to go with him. Luke of course has other priorities as a farmer but those all change when his Aunt and Uncle are vaporized by Darth Vader's henchmen, Stormtroopers, who look pretty badass with skeleton like armor (though they are extremely inept at doing their job right, excluding this scene, where they're only fault is killing the only people who would've prevent Luke from joining the Rebel Alliance). Luke realises that they were looking for the Death Star plans, so he decides to leave the planet with old Obi-Wan and fight in the Intergalactic War. Then they head to a bar that Obi-Wan is pretty familiar with to pick up a pilot. Let's stop right here for a moment and break this down. You already know Luke's the chosen one destined to stop the Empire, it's fairly obvious, but look at him: he's a 17 year-old farmer who is so incompetent, he looses a trashcan-esque robot, gets beaten up by natives with sticks, and decided to run away with an elderly man he has known for maybe an hour, who is obviously a drunk because *SPOILER ALERT* he nearly killed his best friend/ closest thing he ever had to a son in the prequels that came out 30 years after this first movie and is destined to live out his remaining years on a planet of sand. Oh, and they are looking in a bar for a pilot to take them away from this planet. F*ck drinking and driving, They'll be drinking and flying through space. It's a miracle that they find the only non-drunk in the entire bar to take them to Alderaan: Han Solo. We are first introduced to Han through Chewbacca, the cross-bow shooting Sasquatch I mentioned earlier. Obi-wan pays a large quantity of money to Han to fly them away. Once Obi-wan and Luke leave, Greedo shows up. Greedo is a bounty hunter who tells Han he has a very large price on his head. In a bad ass move of badassary, Han shoots Greedo from under the table, then pays his tab and leaves!

 

So back on the Death Star, Darth Vader his choking chumps and torturing princesses. After getting no info about the Death Star plans from Princess Leia, Vader goes all hardcore and blows up her home planet (Alderaan) with the awesome power of his Moon-sized Spaceship! That's essentially a billions-of-lives-ending pimp slap. Then he locks her up and goes back to choking chumps. Meanwhile, Han, Chewie, Threepio, R2, Ben, and Luke all narrowly escape a Stormtrooper attack and set sail to Alderaan. Only one problem. Darth Vader's pimp slap remember? So now Han has to navigate his way through an asteroid Field that was created by Alderaan rubble, which actually took up maybe a minute of the movie because they get stuck in the tractor beam of the Death Star. So now every main character is aboard the massive death machine. Obi-Wan realises it's Imperial, and the princess must be on board. Luke and Han kill two Stormtroopers, take their armor and go off to find the Princess with Chewie while C-3PO and R2 hide in a communications room and unlock doors and stuff for them and Obi-wan gsets out to turn off the tractor beam, and finds himself in a duel to the death with Darth Vader who turns out to be Obi's former apprentice in the ways of the force. Luke discovers Leia, she gives him a kiss as they escape Stormtroopers, and Chewbacca and Han kick Imperial ass. Well, that's until they are forced into hiding in a trash compactor. They eventually escape after two-near death experiences in the one trash bin, and are now planning on escaping from the Death Star and heading out to Yavin 4, home to a secret Rebel Base. They almost make it too, but Luke f*cks up and refuses to leave without Ben who is still fighting his old enemy. And that's about as exciting as it gets, because the first lightsaber battle is ultimately the most pathetic, as two elderly men fight to their deaths in a hall way as Storm trooper cheer their leader on. Ben sacrifices himself though, so Luke can escape. But what's this? Ben may get cut in half, but his body disappears and becomes one with the force before he even hits the ground, leaving Vader to play footsies with his robe.

 

So they escape and Luke's extremely saddened while Han's being a douche since his source of financial wealth was just cut down. They land on Yavin where Luke decides to become an X-wing pilot and participate in a strike against the Death Star. Han gets his reward for saving the princess, and leaves Luke and the Alliance behind. After running over the plans, Luke and his team take off to the skies as Vader sets his Death Star's sights on Yavin. It an epic space battle of epic awesomeness, as all the other X-wing pilots die except for Luke and his homie Lars. As the Imperial piliots star to dwendle and numbers, Vader himself joins the fight in his own special Starship. Now it's up to Luke to shoot the thermal exhaust port, which is The Death Star's only weak spot, as Lars falls back. Luke sets his sights but Darth Vader proves to much for the lad. But then BAM! Outta nowhere, Han reappears and shoots down Vader and his two remaining henchmen, Leaving Luke to Blow up the Death Star with a little help of the force. Then Luke and Han get medals for being Rebel heroes and the movie ends. But who knows what lies in store for these characters? Maybe Han and Leia get it on, or living teddy bears f*ck the Empire over? Maybe Threepio gets blown apart and has to get carried around in a back pack for half a movie or maybe Luke's estranged father reveals himself and proves Obi-wan to be a lying sonovawhore? Who knows?

 

Well we all know, and all that crazy stuff happens. But damn if it isn't the most awesome series of movies ever! I highly recommend this movie to anybody, no matter what age or gender. It's truly a sight to behold and you won't regret it.

 

10 out of 10 Nerdism Nerds.