The Lost World: Jurassic Park Review

By: Chris Akins

Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Vince Vaughn
Year: 1997

Jurrasic Park was my favorite horror movie as a small child. Then again, anything with dinosaurs could have claimed that title. Specifically, what I loved about that movie was T-Rex and Jeff Goldbloom. So when I saw that the sequel contained him as the main character and multiple T-Rexes, I was giddy with anticipation. Everyone had been saying "This one is WAY better than the second! It's so awesome!" My reaction to the film? Eh, not so much. As a matter of of fact, I look back at it as the worst of the series.

Let's examine it for a moment, we have an opening scene of a family vacationing on one of the islands. Now if I recall, the islands were forbidden to be traveled to after the events of the first movie, this was demonstrated by the constant "You are intering a restricted area" message in Jurassic Park 3. But aparently, these rich people simply said "Screw the law! We'll buy this island that should be all over the news by now for having rampaging monsters on it!" So they get eaten, but not by something cool like raptors or Sleeslacks. They get eaten by tiny little lizards that resemble the Gieco Gecko. Well anyway, the movie goes on and ignores that this ever happened ( just like I ignored that this movie ever happened) and now we come to Jeff Goldbloom arguing with his daughter who is just the right age to be annoying and for me not to care what happens to her. So anyway, his wife or girlfriend, who is clearly not his daughter's mother, is on the island (that apparently everyone just hangs out on) and Jeff needs to save her. So he goes there and she's fine and we have a scene of bickering between them (WHERE ARE THE DINOSAURS?! They've been on Dino- island for at least 30 minutes of the movie and all we got were geckos!!!). Now they show a stegasaraus to remind me that this is Jurassic Park (Finally). Now a whole bunch of douche bags show up to steal dinosaurs and Jeff's girlfriend thinks it's her job to stop them (even though these things are an insult to God and an abomination against nature). So she let's all the dinos loose and mass death ensues. Then she trys to rescue a baby T-Rex and brings it into an RV or something. This would be the equivalent of stealing an egg from an eagles nest if that egg had a siren and that eagle was 10 times larger. So after hear baby Rex cry for what seems like forever, we finally get some T-Rex!!! He just knocks the RV off a cliff and runs away. So this is where I start dosing off, but I remember a part where people get eaten by raptors, and Jeff's girlfriend and daughter are being annoying as hell. At some point during this "movie" T-Rex is captured and shipped off to America to be presumably sold into showbusiness (tell me you can't picture a T-Rex in a tuxedo with a bow tie). Jeff's girlfriend still thinks this is wrong, despite the fact that that same T-Rex nearly ate her (and really should have). Well, for some reason (probably due to Jeff's girlfriend or daughter) all hell breaks loose and Rexy escapes into the night (Wait a minute, this isn't King Kong!!! I want my money back!). So instead of the national gaurd or something, it's up to Jeff to save the day, which he does because he's mother f***ing Jeff Goldbloom.

Now this movie had a lot of potential to be great. But girlfriend and daughter ruined any chance of that, as well as baby Rex being annoying as hell. There was also way too much of a message about animal cruelty, which shouldn't apply in a movie about animals that eat you. Especially since they were all man made anyway! I mean seriously, why haven't these islands been nuked yet?! At least then we'd have a possibility of creating Godzilla. I largely disliked this movie and due to the pain it causes me to watch it, I give it a 4 out of 10. Suck it Internet forums

 

4 out of 10 Super Scary Serial Killer's Hockey Masks.