With less than a week left before Christmas, I thought it would be an appropriate time to research a little into 2009 most excellent gifts, because I know most of you have waited until the last minute to shop for your friend's presents. So won't you join me as I take a look at the coolest/nerdiest gifts of 2009:

FOR YOUR NERDY FRIEND IN GENERAL:

1) The Kymera Wand (The Wand Company)
Price: $49.99

Flick up and down to change channels; move the wand in a circle to change the volume level; flick left or right to skip tracks. Whoever thought of this idea deserves to be the president of nerdom. Could you just imagine saying "turnonicus televisiona" and with a flick of your wand the television turns on! Holy cow!

2) Batman Utility Belt (DC Direct)
Price: $279.99

This doesn't ship until June but holy mother of pearl this is the dopest belt I believe I have ever seen. It's made with faux leather, gold-plated buckle and comes with a metal display shelf. Throw In the Batarang from the Special Edition Arkham Asylum game and you've got yourself the beginning of your future as a Caped Crusader!

FOR YOUR FRIEND WHO ACTS LIKE HIS/HER SHOE SIZE:

1) Star Wars Force Trainer (Hasbro)
Price: $77.80

Holy sh*t! Real life force training?! Had I gotten this when I was ten I would not be the man I am today, for I will still be in my room making that little training droid from the original film float up or down with MY MIND! On a Scale of one to Ferris Bueller on the cool-o-meter, this is a Ferris Bueller and a half!

2) Z.O.M.B.I.E: Plastic Army Men (?)
Price: $5

Here's to all the melted army men located in my backyard... I bet you didn't know that all those army men you melted aren't dead? Oh no, far from it! instead they are out there ,rotting ,waiting to come back again as these snazzy Z.O.M.B.I.E: Plastic Army Men toys. Set them up to fight against your army men to recreate World War Z, Or have them devour your little sister's Barbie doll. Whatever you do though, don't melt these. They're to dope to be smitten like that!

 

FOR YOUR FRIEND WHO ENJOYS MUSIC:

1) The Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt (Think Geek)
Price: $29.99

Think Geek's Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt actually let's you play all the major Guitar chords electronically on your shirt! After all guys, there's nothing like rubbing your nipple to play a little "Smoke On The Water"

2) Lego Rock Band (Harmonix)
Price: $49.99

Now you may be asking yourself why I didn't choose "The Beatles: Rock Band" or "Guitar Hero: Van Halen" and there is a simple reason for that my friends. It's because those games aren't made with Legos! Imagine rocking out with Lego David Bowie and Lego Freddie Mercury? In Lego Rock Band you can do it! Queen, Korn, Spinal Tap, The Police, Blink-182 and The Foo Fighters all have tracks on this game! With notes being represented by colored Lego bricks and totally destructible stages, Lego Rock Band rocks out the hardest!

 

FOR YOUR FRIEND WITH ANGER ISSUES:

1) The Flying F*ck R/C Helicopter (Think Geek)
Price: $19.99

For once you can finally give a flying f*ck! Isn't that great?! Now your angry friend can piss people off with style. Does he/she need to quit his/her job? All they need to do is fly their F*ck through their office and presto, automatic unemployment line! How about get back at that teacher who flunked you last year? A Flying F*ck should avenge you nicely! At $20 this f*cker is a steal!

2) USB MSN Missile Launcher (Think Geek)
Price: $49.00

Ever wanted to shoot someone in the face? Well, everybody has so don't lie. The reason most of us never do it is because we are afraid of getting caught... but fear no more because Think Geek has given us an albeit! Connect this handy dart shooter (I'm sure you change the darts out for something harder and more killy if you'd like) to your computer and use the webcam to secretly watch out for your next victim! When you are about to get your ass sued, arrested, and/or beat up all you have to do is state that you were simply on the computer minding your own business. Thank you Think Geek for helping us all conquer our fears.

FOR YOUR FRIEND WITH A VAGINA:

1) Self-Rescuing Princess T-shirt (Think Geek)
Price: $18.99

This shirt is basically a f*ck you to all the Marios, Links, and Prince Charmings out there! After all, it's the 21st century! Women can vote and work, I don't see why they can't fight fire breathing dragons and evil sorcerers themselves! This shirt basically tells all those evil-doers not to f*ck with you, or else they'll suffer the wrath of your own womanly scorn!

2) The Alien Facehugger Plush (Think Geek)
Price: $29.99

Girls liked "Alien" right? Sure they did. Even if they didn't I know girls like stuff animals... And what better animal full o' cotton to give your nerdette than a Facehugger? So why don't you cuddle up in bed with it, let him give you a sweet good night kiss, and let it fill your chest with love? (yeah I kinda stole that from the product description on Think Geek's website, but how could I not? It's sooo sweet!)

FOR YOUR FRIEND WHO WILL PROBABLY
JUST EAT WHATEVER

YOU GIVE THEM:

1) Optimus Titanium Spork (Optimus)
Price: $10.99

Holy f*ck! Besides having a name that should belong to a Transformer, this spork does it all! It stabs and it scoops and it does it all titanium-ly! F*ck your cheap plastic multi-functional dining-ware. Plastic is for pussies.

2) Gummy Bacon (Think Geek)
Price: $4.99

Considering your friend who eats anything you give them didn't choke on the Titanium Spork then they're probably not satisfied. Sure you gave them something to help them eat, but they have hands for that! Why not give them a food they undoubtedly will love, just in a smaller, gummier form? That's right, Gummy Bacon! how could you go wrong with such a delicious treat? Oh that's right, you can't! And don't fret if your friend is a vegetarian, for Gummy Bacon has no real meat in it, Just like hot dogs! All shall win when it comes to Gummy Bacon!

 

FOR YOUR FRIEND WHO THINKS HE/SHE IS A NINJA:

1) Ninja star coat hook (Think Geek)
Price: $12.99

Ever wanted to hang up your coat (or in this case, your ninja robes) in style? Well, now you can with these devilishly handsome ninja stars that not only stick to your walls with enough force that it can hold up your clothes, but also allows for battle when you're trapped in your closet by troublesome pirates. Imagine the shock on their face when you spring out of your closet and toss a couple of blades into their necks. Hell, then you could just get their bodies stuffed and you'll have a couple of dead pirate coat hangers as well!

2)Ultimate Assassins Weapon Ice Mold (Think Geek)
Price: $12.99

Has your ninja friend ever been caught out in the freezing tundra attempting to assassinate somebody that needs to die only to discover that not only have they lost their katana, but they lost their throwing stars too? Normally, this would freeze a ninja dead in his tracks (Ha! Get it? Freeze him... cause he's in the tundra? I crack myself up!). But not anymore, thanks to this handy gift guide! Give your ninja friend this Ultimate Assassins Weapon Ice Mold and watch him cut some fools with all that tundra snow and ice! Plus, the assassin's blade melts in prolonged heat, so stabbing someone in the back and leaving it in his warm flesh will only make getting away easier!

 

FOR YOUR FRIEND WHO HAS NO GAME:

1) Minoru 3D Webcam (Trustin)
Price: $89.95

This little webcam isn't necessarily for the friend with no game, oh no., as he would have no girl to have a long distance relationship with. Instead, it's for his favorite internet webcam stripper! Now why would somebody spend almost $100 on a present for a whore? well, simply because this is the first commercial 3-D webcam in the world! Imagine those stripper's fake boobs bouncing right off your computer screen into your face! Ninety dollars well spent? I think so.

2) Boob Cube (Smutty Gifts)
Price: £4.99

After searching desperately for at least an hour for nerdy blow up dolls (apparently the one thing George Lucas won't license to make a buck is an inflatable Princess Leia with a gaping hole where her mouth should be), I decided to just settle for this rubik's cube that features the racks of bikini model's instead of the normal red, white, green etc. color scheme. At least now you have the incentive to finish the puzzle (even though there are many-a-free boob online and in the flesh...)

 

FOR YOUR FRIEND WHO HAS NO LIFE:

1) World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King (Blizzard)
Price: $39.99

This expansion pack was released over a year ago but it's the latest WOW thing out. Honestly if you have no life and are not playing this already, I don't know if I should praise or condemn you. Warcxraft sucks, I'm sorry but it's true, but f*ck really. It's up to you to decide what you'll let ruin your life, and WOW is is a good place to start.

2) The Emperor Workstation (Novelquest)
Price: $39,950.

The Emporer has a tail containing 3 19" High Def monitors. The tail raises and lowers allowing you to sit and work. You get a web-cam, iPod dock, 5.1 surround sound, a comfy reclining chair, a rotating base, a HEPA air purifier, it's own lighting, laptop docking station, a touchpad that controls the tilt of the seat, the rotation and the inclination. In other words, this is the reason that in the future we will all look like the humans in
Wall-E. Hell, this is even the chair they have, minus the hovering.

 

FOR YOUR INCREDIBLY HOT FRIEND:

1) Sexy Halloween Costumes (multiple brands)
Price: $10+ (most 20-80% off)

Halloween has come and gone. As sad as that may be, there is a plus side to it. Most Halloween costumes are now on sale for really cheap. That means you can buy that extremely hit friend of yours the "sexy sailor", "naughty nurse", and "slutty school girl" costumes to wear for a relatively cheap price. Ho ho ho if I do say so myself!

2) Nerdy Underwear Sets (multiple brands)
Price: $10+

What's hotter than a girl in nothing but panties? A Girl in nothing but Space Invader panties! Of course these up above are a little too granny panty like, there for I'll have to cut them down to nothing But that pink waistband and the first 'A' and the 'D' from Space Invaders. There are also, iPhone panties, Mario thongs, and Princess Leia's golden bikinis out there, So if Space Invaders aren't your thing then there are hundreds of other ways to nerd up your love life!

FOR YOUR BLACK FRIEND:

1) KFC Printable Coupon
Price: Free (Plus, It Gets you quite a bit off on your chicken dinner)

In no way is this a racist gift. Please contact Chris at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com with all of your complaints.

2) Nike Transformers Shoes (Nike)
Price: $100-120

Nothing looks as cool as the original Transformers, but these Nike shoes come damn close. They come in different colors (such as yellow and black Bumblebee shoes, silver and blue, Soundwave shoes, and purple and gray Megatron shoes) each one with their own unique style. Ya know, Optimus Prime does enjoy a quick game of basketball... What better way to beat his butt than wearing his arch-nemesis' own limited edition tennis shoes?

FOR YOUR DEAD FRIEND:

1) A Coffin from Walmart
Price: $895.00-$1,199.00

What else would a dead person need besides a coffin? Well now you can buy one for less at Walmart's online store! For once you can finally buy that perfect gift

 

FOR YOUR SADISTICALLY MESSED UP IN THE HEAD FRIEND:

 

1) i.Saw USB-Powered Chainsaw (i.Saw)
Price: $60

Plug-n'-Play action sets i.Saw USB-Powered Chainsaw apart from other chain-like killing devices. Is there some jerk sitting at the computer lab next to you at school? Well, with this lil' baby, all you have to do is plug it in and slice off his face! Also works well in offices, Starbucks, and for killing horny teens in the woods. Thank you i.Saw for bring leather face into the 21st century!

2) Pocket God (Bolt Creative)
Price: $0.99

Ever want to drown/roast/shoot a person with a laser beam attached to a shark? Well now you can with Pocket God! Definitely the best app to be released this year on the iPhone, Pocket God allows you to take 6 islanders and torture the f*ck out of them. Shoot them at ice monsters. Feed them to zombies/piranhas/bugs/dinosaurs. Burn them with giant magnifying glasses or drown them with tsunamis. You can bury them alive or strike them with lightning. Possess them with ghosts, shake them up with earth quakes, or blow them to smithereens with voodoo statues. Are you sold yet? If you made it this far into this description and haven't bought it for your iPhone yet then you should be dragged out into the street and shot. No! Curb stomped! Now, off to iTunes you go!

(WARNING: WE AT NERDISM DO NOT CONDOLE KILLING, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THAT PERSON BEING ASSASSINATED/SHOT AT BY A WEBCAM GUN/CHAINSAWED NEEDS TO DIE!)