502nd Squad Episode OneBy: Chris Akins
We here at Nerdism absolutely love Star Wars. Even the new trilogy is entertaining to me (though an early indication of George Lucas' madness). We are also huge fans of the internet sensation Red vs Blue, a machinema video series filmed with the video game halo. We love both so much in fact that we planned on making our own machinema, but not with Halo. Instead, we chose Star Wars Battlefront 2, a video game focusing on the standard troops in Star Wars rather than the main characters. We got as far as writing the script for the show, but never got around to filming (mostly cause everyone we know can't so much as voice act). The script follows a failed batch of clone troops abandoned after the battle of Kashyyyk (the place with all the wookies) that was shown in Star Wars Episode 3. The script has been saved for you viewing pleasure, and if anyone has the utilities and manpower to actually film it, please send us your videos and we'll post them on the site.
Characters:
Joe
Johnson
Captain
Farland
Mike
Rico
Wookie
George Lucas
Droid1
Droid2
Droid3
Captain: Captain’s log, it has been two weeks since the Kashyyyk battle, and we are the only squad to remain. Command has ordered us to stay here while the 501st goes off and fights on other planets. Yep, we certainly are important to be selected to guard this prestigious planet of trees and… sasquatch.
Joe: Oh God, the Captain’s writing out loud again. You know, he says no one is aloud to read his log, but we can hear every f***ing word he says!
Johnson: Tell me about it, almost every day he writes about how he think I might be gay.
Joe: Really? Ha, he said that?
Johnson: Well, he said it a little different.
Farland: Well how did he say it?
Johnson: Uh, I don’t want to talk about it.
Captain: And to conclude today’s entry, I would just like to say that I’m convinced Johnson is a butt-humping cock-sucker.
Johnson: Oh God.
Joe: I still can’t believe he thinks we’re a good squad. We suck more than any squad in the army! The only reason we are still here is because there aren’t any droids left! Command just tried to trick us into thinking this is some special mission.
Farland: Looks like it’s working on someone.
(Captain walks over to them.)
Captain: Hello troops! Isn’t it great that command gave us this special mission?
Johnson: Uhh, yes sir!
Captain: Dear lord Johnson not so close!
Johnson: But I’m not any closer than…
Captain: Soldier, pull yourself together! Don’t try and unleash your feelings on me!
Johnson: But…
Captain: And what’s with your obsession of my butt? I’m going back to my quarters. Joe, keep an eye on him, and don’t let him keep his eyes on me.
Joe: Haha, aye Cap.
(Captain leaves)
Johnson: You see that? It’s ridiculous!
Joe: Well maybe if you didn’t dress like you came off queer eye, he wouldn’t say anything.
Johnson: This is standard issue armor!
(A wookie runs in.)
Wookie: Thrwwwww thrwww!
(Everyone stares at him.)
Joe: Uhh, yeah. We’ll do that.
Wookie: Thrww thrww. (Leaves.)
Joe: Why the hell do we have a wookie in our squad if we can’t understand a single damn word he says?
Farland: Affirmative action man. It’s a bitch.
(Captain comes running in.)
Captain: Troops! Didn’t you hear the wookie? Droids are coming from the beach!
Johnson: I didn’t know he could speak wookie.
Joe: Does that turn you on?
Johnson: Shut up.
Captain: Where the hell is Rico?
(Rico is playing Star Wars Battlefront II as the droids using the com-link for XBOX Live.)
Rico: That’s right clones! My droid army will f*** you up!
Captain: WHAT?!
Rico: Oh, uh, I mean die droids?
Captain: Never mind that. There’s a droid army approaching and I need you to call command and request reinforcements.
Rico: Yes sir! (He hooks the com-link up to the radio.) Command, come in command. Do you copy? Over.
George Lucus: Hello?
Rico: Hey, we need some reinforcements, otherwise, we’ll be all dead and stuff.
George Lucus: Sorry, no can do. We got all of the movie footage we need from Kashyyk, so you could die for all I care.
Rico: Okie dokie then. I’ll be sure to spread the message
Captain: So is anyone coming?
Rico: Nope. We’re pretty much f***ed.
(Droids are coming up the beach.)
Droid1: CHARGE! ... Wait, where is everybody? They didn’t meet us at the beach.
Droid2: There’s no one here! What are we going to do? We were programmed to go into battle and die while the super battle droids actually do something!
Droid3: Well, in that case... (He shoots Droid2.)
Droid1: What the hell are you doing?!
Droid3: He said he wanted to fight and die. I fought him, he died.
Droid1: Good point. (He shoots Droid3 and every droid starts shooting at each other. A stray bullet his Captain just before all the droids are dead.)
Johnson: What was that noise?
Joe: Hang on. (looks at beach through sniper scope) Hey, we won!
Farland: Hey, I think the Captains hurt.
Joe: Casualty of war, nothing we can do.
Farland: We could call the medic.
Joe: Fine. MEDIC!
(Joe goes to Medic Mike’s hut to find him on the phone)
Mike: Yeah, all I’m saying is that if you want some serious military grade drugs, it may cost a little more than the other guys, but you’re paying for quality… alright then, I’ll send the shipment tomorrow morning, good doing business with you.
Joe: You know it might be nice if you weren’t dealing all our medical supplies. I can’t even find a damn Asprin on this planet, and this helmet causes serious headaches.
Mike: Hey, I gotta business to run, these wookies are willing to pay high dollar to get their hands on this stuff.
Joe: Whatever, by the way, we think the Captains dead or something.
Mike: So what do you want me to do about?
Joe: Find out if he’s dead.
Mike: (sigh) Fine.
Joe: I know, it sucks to actually do your job.
(They walk over to Captain’s body and Mike bends over to check on him.)
Mike: I have some bad news.
Joe: Sweet!
Mike: If one of you doesn’t give him CPR, he’ll die.
Johnson: Well, couldn’t you do it?
Mike: I could, but… NOT IT!
Joe: NOT IT!
Farland: NOT IT!
Rico: NOT IT!
Wookie: THRWWW THRWW!
Johnson: NOT, oh damn it!
(Captain wakes up to find Johnson giving him CPR.)
Captain: AHHH! Dear lord Johnson! What the hell are you doing?!
Johnson: Sir, I was just…
Captain: You know what Johnson? I always had a feeling about you were a little off. Now I know for sure. (Leaves.)
Joe: He’s right, things are gonna be really weird between you and me. I’ll be watching you.
(Every one leaves except Johnson.)
Johnson: Son of a bitch.
END
Chris Akins is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and was too lazy to come up with anything for what ever you would call this closer. You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
