502nd Squad Episode TwoBy: Chris Akins
New Characters:
Jacobson
HOOVER (Magnagaurd)
Droid 4
Droid 5
SBD1 (Super Battle Droid 1)Captain: Okay men, and Johnson.
Johnson: Suck it!
Captain: I’m sure you’d like that. Anyway command has decided to send us a new recruit.
Joe: Great, what’s wrong with this one?
Captain: Oh nothing, he’s just a little hard headed.
Joe: So they’re putting a retard on our team and giving him a gun? Sounds like fun!
Captain: He should be here within the hour so if you need me, I’ll be in my quarters.
(He goes in his hut and starts writing.)
Captain: Captain’s log, the new recruit, Jacobson, will be here soon, and he will immediately replace Johnson as my second in command, who I just recently confirmed is in fact gay for me. It became apparent when I woke to have him making out with me, claiming it was “CPR” or some nonsense. And just today, he told me to “suck it” obviously referring to his genitalia.
Johnson: I WAS BEING SARCHASTIC! Man I hate him!
Joe: I see you eyeballing me queerbait.
(Mike and Farland are away from the group. Mike is revealing his large supply of drugs from his med kits.)
Farland: So you can get me unlimited supplies of this stuff?
Mike: Just as long as you’re willing to pay.
Farland: Yeah whatever, let’s just keep this on the down low.
(Jacobson walks up to them.)
Jacobson: Hello! I have come to assist your squad! Oh are those bags of sugar?
Farland: Uh, shouldn’t you go report to the Captain?
Mike: Yeah, f*** off!
Jacobson: Okay… (Pulls down his pants) Do you have a magazine?
Mike: Not literally!
Captain: Yes, I’m sure when he arrives, Jacobson will make a wonderful addition to our group.
(He walks out of the hut and sees Jacobson standing in front of Mike and Farland with his pants down.)
Captain: Dear lord! The gayness is spreading!
(The droids are camped in the forest and their leader is in a hut looking at an electronics magazine.)
HOOVER: Oh yeah, twist those bolts.
Droid 4: Sir!
HOOVER: What, uh, what is it?
Droid 4: Sir, the droid army you sent has been destroyed.
HOOVER: What? How is that possible? Dozens of droids against a few idiots?
Droid 4: Perhaps it was because you sent an army of regular droids without any supers.
HOOVER: But those are so expensive! (sigh) Fine go send an army with droids AND supers. Now if you don’t mind, I’m ... busy.
(Back at clone base)
Mike: So you see sir, it was all just a big misunderstanding. Right Farland?
Farland: … Dude, I am seriously tripping balls right now.
Mike: Uh, well anyway, you can see that it was just an accident.
Captain: Oh I see, I knew there could only be one queer here.
Johnson: What?! How long have I been trying to tell you that I wasn’t gay? This guy has his pants down in front of two other guys, and now, just because they say so, you believe them? For as long as I have been … (He is hit with a rocket and flies into the air.)
Johnson: AHHHHHH!
(The droids are attacking.)
Droid 5: Where are they? There is no one here! We’re …
(SBD1 hits him over the head.)
SBD1: You idiot! They’re on the wall!
Droid 5: … Oh.
Captain: Okay Farland, you’re our rifleman. Fire upon them!
Farland: HaHa! Sh**’s just blowing up!
Captain: Uh, okay. Joe! You’re our sniper, do something!
Joe: I’m on break.
Captain: You’re the one of us who can do anything. If you can’t, we’re all gonna die!
(Another rocket hits Joe’s sniper rifle.)
Mike: We’re gonna die.
(Jacobson tries to sneak a bag of “sugar” from Mike’s med kit, but the bag is hit with a blaster round.)
Jacobson: That’s my sugar. ALL DROIDS MUST DIE!
(He pulls out his rocket launcher, jumps off the wall, and fires rockets at all the droids.)
Jacobson: MY SUGAR! ALL DROIDS DEAD!
Joe: Holy crap! The retard did it! What the hell is really in those bags?
Mike: Uh, you heard him, just sugar…
END
Chris Akins is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and likes Star Wars. Hows that for a closer? You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
