The 5 Most Absurdly Badass Beast Wars Toys
By: Michael Lee
Okay, to start things off, I'm not going to lie here. This whole list was inspired by the Megatron/Robo-Dino toy featured later on this list, and it's original subject went through many changes. It first started as a "The Best Dinosaur Based Toys In Existence", but admittedly I just didn't have enough time to research all the badass dinosaur toys out there (not yet anyways; I'm not ruling this out as a future editorial)... It then moved on to become "The Best Transformers Toys", but really how could one choose? So I've narrowed this article down to "The 5 Most Absurdly Badass Beast Wars Toys". Beast Wars, for those of you not familiar with the basics of nerdom, was a blasphemos spin-off from the G1 The Transformers cartoons. Never before (but many, many times after) was a Transformers reboot ever caused so much controversy. Fans of the orginal 1980's cartoon, hated the fact that Optimus Prime (Optimus Primal in the Beast Wars canon) had been reimagined as a monkey, and that Megatron was a T-f*cking-Rex, which in hindsight was pretty dope). Hell, they even started their own internet meme "TRUKK NOT MUNKY", which they used to describe what Optimus Prime is supposed to transform into (This was hilariously rebooted as "JETT NOT MUNKY" when the design of the live-action Starscream was frist released). Beast Wars soon won over fans, however, with its awesome toys and excellently written TV show. I, for one, am stuck in the middle. I do believe that Transformers should really only transform into vehicles and spaceships (oh, and the dino-bots. Gotta love them). I also believe that "Beats Wars" was a cool concept to toy around with for maybe the comics or something, but not two whole f*cking television series. At least we got some pretty niffty toys out of the deal though:
5) Heinrad
I know, most of you do not come to this site to learn, but I'll have to teach you a little culture for you to understand the badassary of this Transformer. Tanuki, is a Japanese Raccoon Dog., which is a real animal but is also a prominent trickster character in Japanese folklore. In the folklore, Tanuki carries a purse full of notes and a jar of saki, from which he sips from time to time. Tanuki is also known for its comically large testicles, which it would sling over its shoulders like an sack and beat madly like they were drums. I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried. So it seems logical that if you are making a Transformers reboot with animals, a Tanuki Transformer is one we'd want our kids to play with. And it's not going to be a watered-down Tanuki either. Oh no, you can look, Heinrad has balls; balls that put Devestator's set in TF2 to shame. But moving on, Heinrad's sack of note and saki jar turn into a f*cking laser-o'-death when combined, and also, the clock reminisent of Flvaor-flav's necklaces that resides squarley on Heinrad's chest actually works. Unfortunetly it only tells time and sometimes rings if you set it, unlike in the fiction, where Heinrad could use it to travel through time and other dimensions. He was like the Time Wizard of Transformers (and if you get that joke, shoot yourself in the face right now... Go on, I can wait.)
4) Transmetal Megatron
In the later Beast Wars cartoons, a quantum surge converted most of the Maximals and Predacons on Earth into new Transmetal forms that made them closer to their non-organic Cybertronian forms, which was a pretty cool idea merch-wise. Now, instead of transforming into a plain Jane ol' lame T-Rex, Megatron was now a robot T-Rex that was equipped with jet turbines and roller skates. MOTHER F*CKING ROLLERSAKTES! I mean, having a robot version of a T-rex toy is dope to begin with but when roller skates are added to the formula, you sir, have an equation for epicness.
3) Transmetal Optimus Primal
Two Transmetals in a row; there must be something to this whole "Robots" in disguise thing huh? I maintain my stance on the "if it ain't broke, don't f*ck up my Transformers" arguement, but I digress so I can talk about Transmetal Optimus Primal. You are probably asking yourself, "How could any toy be cooler than the Robo-Dino Megatron on roller skates"? Optimus primal is because he can turn into a shiny blue, metallic ape who flew around on a hoverboard whilst wielding a pair of maces. Yeah, I just got an erection too. I mean, can you imagine as a kid, fighting your Robo-Dino Megatron on roller skates with his arch enemy, a shiny blue, metallic ape on a hoverboard, wielding a pair of maces? Through in the other tranfromers on this list and you would have the most awesome childhood imaginable. Everyone would be your friend, and you could smash all their pathetic "Cheetors" and "Transquitos" with your toys of badassary. Oh, if I could be eight again...
2) The Beast Wars Mutants (All of Them)
So it may seem like cheating to include all of the Mutants on here as one item, but really,, If I split them up, they would be the whole list. That Bat that transforms in that aligator up top? Yeah, that's Soundwave. I sh*t you not. See, the mutants were like triple changers, but instead of turning from robot to truck to plane, these guys changed from robot to badass animal #1 to badass animal #2. Seriously, they had Beast Machines that transformed from a grizzly bear to a veliraptor, a scorpion to a baracuda, even a tiger to a snow owl (with fire crotch). I hop the toy company exec who thought of this series got a raise and life-time supply of free lap dances. Not since the Constructicons had a Transformer toy been so sweet.
1) Air Hammer
Not to long ago, Chris and I had a discussion about the most dangerous animal of all time. We of course didn't choose a real one, but one of our own invention: The Flying Shark (insert Scream of terror and dramatic music here). Out of seemingly nowhere, this beast from the seas of Hell would swoop out of the sky and devour both your head and your soul. So when the opportuity arose to pick the most badass of Beats Wars toys, Air Hammer was undoubtedly my top choice. He's a fuzor, which was a protoform who was damaged and blended with two animal spieces or something like that. I don't know, as I wasn't pay attention to the story as much as I was pay attention to this Transformer who turned into a f*cking flying shark. And not just any flying shark, but a hammer-head shark with the body and instincts or a f*cking eagle! I'm surprised the Autobot *ahem* excuse me, Maximals even survived, let alone came out on top, once they were opposed by this terror of the seas/sky... Wait a tic, he's apparently a Maximal himself, which throws off all I ever knew about the morals of frightning monsters of death. Oh well, he's still a f*cking Eagle Shark and that makes him the most absurdly badass Beats Wars toy ever!
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and actually owned an Air Hammer toy. Suck it! You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
