7 Reasons Chris and I Will Probably Not Be Invited To Comic-Con
By: Michael Lee
It's that time of year again. Comic-con '09 has come and gone and the nerds are left to go home from San Diego with 3 times the amount of sh*t they came there with. If you don't know what the San Diego Comic-con is by now, you probably do not belong on this site, but just so you don't feel left out, I'll fill you in. Comic-con is a four day long event held in San Diego where thousands of nerds get together to celebrate comics, cartoons, and movies. It's where geeks are not persecuted for dressing up as super heroes or discussing the 7 types of lightsaber fighting styles. For four days, the geeks spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, none of which goes to deodorant or shampoo. You are trapped in an expo with nothing to breathe but geek stink breath. But it's home. You maybe asking yourself why on earth would anybody want to participate in this event? Well my top 3 reasons are as follows:
It's where thousands of video games, comics, and toys are for sale and display
It's where slutty babes with awesome "assets" dress up in revealing costumes of my favorite cartoon characters
And it's where Opti-mutha f*cking awesomeness Prime is!
However, even though Chris and I run a webcomic web site, we probably won't get invited to Comic-con '10 and it's not just because we have not hit it big yet. There are many, many reasons why:
7. We will undoubtedly play with every display prop there.
There in front of you, stands a life sized Darth Vader statue, reaching out toward you with lightsaber in hand. Beside him, a glowing blue lightsaber waiting for you to use against the Sith Lord. The only thing stopping you from participating in an epic battle to save the universe is some red velvet rope and a "Do not touch" sign written on some scrap cardboard that lay in front of both the props. Do you listen? The f*ck we won't. I promise you by the time we would be finished with Vader, at least one of the lighsabers will be heavily damaged and his head will probably be cracked in quite a few places, as both Chris and I will be carried out by security guards and our credit card debt will skyrocket faster than Han Solo can make the Kessel Run. But dammit if we didn't save the galaxy.
6. The sh*t there is expensive, so we would have to steal.
I'm the type of guy that spends 100 bucks in one day on three t-shirts at Myrtle Beach, SC and doesn't feel bad about it. However, I rarely buy Transformers toys over $10, and I still play with them, so you would catch me dead buying a $200 batman toy I could never take out of it's box. F*ck that noise. And don't even get me started on Chris; he's the cheapest guy I know. Half the GI Joe toys he talks so proudly about are cheap dollar store knock-offs, which he just makes up names and personalities for. However, I will say, after four days in a convention center full of toys and comic books, I'll probably be forced to steal a ton of crap I want but I'm sure I'll just put on my shelf and never touch again. After all, the expo give you a ton of free bags big enough to fit an orca in, and as expense as all that stuff there is, they're practically asking you to steal. And steal we shall do.
5. We will harass just about every celebrity we see.
Seth Rogan, Tim Burton, and Robert Downey Jr. are just a few of the A-list celebs to be featured this year at Comic-con, celebrities I am sure I would've stalked and/or harassed had there been no security there. Actually, f*ck it, I would've stalked and/or harassed had there been security there (which there undoubtedly is). I also know some of my favorite lesser known celebrities were walking around Comic-con '09. Luke Cheuh, my favorite modern day artist had his own both, Matt Groening (the creator of "The Simpsons" who every nerd is familiar with, but sadly the rest of the world isn't), and those guys who write "Cyanide and Happiness" who I would be ecstatic to meet. I'm sure, though I heard nothing about, Megan Fox was there, promoting both "Transformers 2" and "Jennifer's Body". If I'm ever around her, I guarantee you sh*t will go down that I will be extremely proud of (though It'll probably get me in all sorts of trouble) Heck, I know for a fact Ryan Reynolds will he there next year to promote his Green Lantern and Deadpool movies coming out in 2011. God knows I'll be a drooling fanboy around him, dedicating all four days I would be there to finding him, taking a picture with him, and talking nothing but the upcoming Deadpool movie with him. And it'll be excellent!
4. We will harass just about every booth babe we see.
Okay, in all honesty, I know for a fact that we would not harass the booth babes. That trip to Myrtle Beach I mentioned earlier, when I wasn't spending money on useless crap, Chris and I were egging each other on to go talk to chicks. Appearently I wouldn't do it cause I had no game, and Chris wouldn't do it cause neither of us had a plan to talk to said chicks. However, in our minds, we can get any girl we want with relative ease. Point-in-case, the booth babes, who I like to believe actually are there by their own free geeky wills, not just there because they are being paid to make nerdy booths less nerdy and give the geeks dressed as Klingons erections. I won't give a crap that they are probably five years older than me, I will still use my best Star Wars based pick-up lines on the first booth babe I see dressed as slave bikini Princess Leia promoting the latest Star Wars video game or comic books. Will I be successful? Probably not. But will this stop me from trying? ...Actually it probably will, but that's beside the point.
3. We (well at least I) have too much dignity to dress up as my favorite movie and comic characters.
As badass as that guy dressed as Deadpool above is, I could never pull that off. As I said in the title, I have way too much dignity for that. Chris on the other hand... Well, I remember last year in English class, our teacher gave us construction paper, felt, pipe cleaners, markers, paint, and a hot glue gun to make a life size caricature of this guy in a book we read. I worked with my group, letting them trace me, testing my luck with scolding hot glue, and drawing decapitated goats behind him (he was a primitive hunter). Chris on the other hand spent the hour and a half making a Deadpool belt with said materials, while the rest of his group did the work for him. And then he wore It around school, like it was cool or something (it was pretty rad, but his social life probably went down because of it) So why I wouldn't dress up as the Green Lantern and Emperor Palpatine (I'm too handsome to cover up these awesome features with masks or face paint), I could easily see Chris getting into character. Even if I did want to dress up as my favorite character, my lack of motivation will probably earn me a costume of the like:
And that's just pathetic.
(Although, if anybody wants to give me a Boba Fett outfit for free, I'll be happy to wear, despite how hot it would be in that suit)
2. We would probably try to kill all the zombie walkers.
So I know the 2007 Comic-con featured a zombie walk, but I haven't heard much about a zombie walk after that, so I don't know if this argument is still valid. However, both Chris and myself have always dreamed of killing a zombie, and at the moment attacking a zombie walk with a cricket bat and a nerf gun is the closest we may ever come.
1. Mother f*cking Twilight fans, and how we would murder everyone of them there.
Unlike the zombie walkers, which I have an extreme respect for and one day hope to join myself, "Twilight" fans are a trecherous besmirchment to Comc-con that I would be happy to actually hunt and kill. Their attendance to the expo can only be descibed properly by this cracked.com article's segment:"This year, Twilight nerds were, to a bunch of legitimate, respectable nerds, the total manifestation of everything wrong with Comic-Con; they were loud and screechy and hyper and obsessed with vampires that had nothing to do with Joss Whedon. What's worse is that these new nerds monopolized the Con.
Comic-Con is really sort of based around the idea of appreciating an artist and wanting to interact with said artist and other fans, so it's hard to find fault in the Twilight crowd for doing just that but, unfortunately, other convention-goers had to suffer because of that devotion. Now, let's say there's a conference room with a new panel every 45 minutes (a Fringe panel, then a Star Wars panel, then a Futurama panel and then a Twilight panel, for example). If the room fills up, you miss your panel and you take your lumps. Evidently, these Twilight fans camped outside and inside of this one conference room for an absurd amount of time to ensure their spots in the Twilight panel. Let's say they camped out a few hours before the very first panel started, for example. Unfortunately for non-Twilight fans, this meant that a whole lot of people were blocked out of that conference room all day, even if they wanted to see a pre-Twilight panel that was completely unrelated to teenage-vampire-fucking (Futurama, for example). They couldn’t see the panel they wanted because their seat was already filled with someone who didn't even care about Futurama, they were just preemptively holding a seat for the eventual Twilight panel. If you haven't already killed yourself out of total boredom (I know I have), you can see why this might aggravate people."
Now let me layout this situation for you: It is just after the "Green Lantern" panel. "The Simpsons" panel was before that. In five minutes, the "Deadpool" panel will begin, however there is barely any room for any fans, because the motha f*cking Twilight fans are camping out inside, waiting to see a twilight trailer that will probably be on TV the month after! Only a few Deadpool fans are let in, but neither Chris or I are. We are PISSED, and that's an understatement. We are standing outside the gates, dressed as Deadpool and Boba Fett respectively, lightsaber and He-man power sword in hand, pockets full of swiped $10 Transformer key chains that when their rings are slipped around our fingers will make great makeshift Indiana Jones style whip/Wolverine style claws combination weapons, as we lead an army of celebrities, booth babes, and zombie walkers who all hate Twilight themselves. I give it five seconds before we bust in that panel "Boondock Saints" style, an lay waste to all inside that are not panel members or those there to see "Deadpool" clips. It will be the most epic of epic battles. The security guards would not even be able to contain us, even though I'm sure they themselves will be using their stun guns and rent-a-cop flashlights on the Twilight fans. We might be banned from Comic-con forever and probably serve 25 to life, but who cares? We shall be regarded as heroes! Heroes who saved Comic-con from an eternal damnation of "Twilight" fans! Heroes indeed.
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and is actually really sad to say that he does have "Twilight" on his Netflix queue. He is just as ashamed as you are. You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
A Special Thank You Goes Out To Cracked.com And I-mockery.com, Whose Comic-con Pictures I Used In This Article.
