5 Reasons Harry Potter Would Make A Great '80s Movie Villain
By: Michael Lee
Harry Potter, the star of the book/film series of the same name, is one of the greatest so-called culture heroes of generation Y. School kids just eat up all that sh*t J.K. Rowling feeds them about Harry being the chosen one and Harry being the underdog. In reality, Harry Potter shares quite a few traits with assholes of the 80's movies we love to hate. Such as:
Harry Dabbles In The Dark Arts
Just like: Jareth, the Goblin King (Labrynth)
This is a no-brainer. Harry goes to a school specifically for witchcraft and wizardry. He knows spells that can turn goblets into rats and hot school girls into cats. He knows spells that let's him murder teenagers and not suffer any legal or moral consequences at all. We all know 80's movies have their far share of those that are magically inclined. Out of all of them, David Bowie's Jareth stands out the most. After all, he did kidnap a baby boy and set up a whole f*cking maze based on a fairy tale to prevent the boy's sister from rescuing him. Tell me you can't see Harry attempting that sh*t when he's older... Okay, maybe not. But still, witchcraft and wizardry isn't something you should take lightly. Mark that sh*t.
Harry Juices Quite A Bit
Just like: Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
It's seems that every time Harry is in some sort of sticky situation, he escapes all his problems with a potion or two. Whether he needs to spy on some evil doers or give a boost to his depressed best friend, Harry uses potions to give himself the advantage. That's right. Why teach our kids to work hard and train for something when you could just take some sort of influential substance to boost your luck and skill? Do you know who else took influential substances to boost his luck and skill (you should since his name is right under this paragraph's title)? Ivan "If he dies, he dies" Drago, that's who! Killer, communist, juicer, it won't be long before Harry is all these things... Oh wait, he is a killer and juicer already. See where I'm going here? Pretty soon Harry's gonna start threatening other countries with nukes and taking the money from hard working people and give it to the poor, while his testicles shrink to minuscule sizes. Won't be so though then, huh Potter?
Harry Gets All The Girls
Just like: Roy Stalin (Better Off Dead)
If there is one thing that signifies a character as an underdog, it's the fact that he can't get the girl he desires. Harry fails this, as not only does he get every girl he ever liked (and then some), but he doesn't care who he hurts to do so. Take the sixth book for example: Harry admires Ron's sister Ginny. However, she is in a relationship with Dean Thomas, the only black boy in Scotland. Life must be hard for him already but imagine the living Hell his life becomes when the most popular f*cking kid in the wizarding world splits you and your girlfriend up and then takes her himself. It's like "Better Off Dead" all over again. Ten bucks says there is a sub-plot to "The Half-Blood Prince" where Dean attempts suicide by hanging. Although, he would come to his senses before he actually does it only to be accidentally forced into it by Professor Flitwick and his vacuum of evil. Is he even in the seventh book? If not then you know what happened. (My Wikipedian research tells me that Dean was in the seventh book and goes through quite a bit of Hell with all the fighting and persecution and all. Maybe he should've offed himself early to save him from all that sh*t.)
Harry's The School's Top Jock
Just like: Stan Gable (Revenge of the Nerds)
When you think of a high school douchebag what image fills your mind? If your answer isn't a macho jock then leave this site now and go watch some John Huges movies fast! Everybody knows that the kids who get involved in these books are most likely not in any way involved in sports, so why one would make Harry an athletic phenomenon beat me. Harry then rises up to be the qudditch team captain towards the mid-point of the series, a title that nerds are only familiar with while taking their daily wedgies. Harry might not seem like the tough job type, but you forget, quidditch is a sport even tougher than rugby. Cannon balls with a mind of their own chase after after you and the only protection one gets is two baseball bats that are divided up upon a seven-man team. With all this power comes great responsibility, which Harry uses to become teacher's favorites, thus allowing him to get away wit things normal students would normally be expelled for. He makes Stan Gable and the rest of the pi delta pi's football jocks look like pussies in comparison.
Harry Gets Into An Buttload Of Fights
Just like: Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid)
It seems that no matter where Harry is, a fight almost always breaks out. Nine times out of ten, that fight almost always ends in death for a character. Even when it doesn't end with murder, the fights Harry partakes in are pretty f*cked up. Take "The Chamber of Secrets" for example. There was so much fighting in that book that Harry has to join a fight club just to protect himself from the violence. While participating in this fight club, Harry beats the living sh*t out of a misunderstood kid with daddy issues. He's like Johnny Lawrence, but younger and more magical. Don't even get me started on the seventh book, where characters drop like flies when ever they so much as mention Harry's name. We already give kids who kill bugs enough sh*t regarding growing up to become serial killers. Imagine how f*cked up Harry will be since he just skipped bugs entirely and went straight to murdering serial killers. Oh f*ck.
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and is probably gonna spend his entire Christmas break writing editorials =( . You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
