Nerdism's Halloween Costume Survival Guide
By: Michael Lee
Halloween come second only to Christmas as my favorite holiday. I mean, what is better than dressing up and going out to recieve free cand. Not to meantion all the Horror movies released this time of season (this year's favorite: "Trick 'r Treat". Check it out on DVD.) However, Halloween is quite an easy holiday to mess up if you wear the wrong costume. Follow this guide to survive the spookiest time of the year:
The "Traditional" Costume
Every year, during the season of All Hallow's Eve, you are guarenteed to see zombies and vampires, werewolfs and Frankenstein's Creatures, as they are the traditional halloween costumes. They've been around for ages and are not going anywhere anytime soon. Do you know why? Because they're classic costumes, and with out them, Halloween as we know it would cease to exist. The only costumes we'd have would be mass marketed, commercialized polyester costumes. The horror would be lost. Instead of mummies, we'd have Power Rangers. Instead of Aliens, Oversized Garfield costumes. This would no longer be a holiday about terror and candy, it would be a holiday reminiscent to Comic-Con, minus the celebrities, comics, movie sneak previews... basically everything except losers dressed up as movie characters and furries. Do you want that? I think not. Therefore, the nextime you are out trick 'r treating and see a fellow trick 'r treater dressed as a zombie, shake his and and even give him a peice of your candy. A small peice, as he is a patron of the undead and therefore only has the taste for human flesh. And maybe a Tootsie Roll or two.
The "I Think I'm Witty Because I'm Dressing Up As A Double Entendre When Really I'm Not Funny Or Gonna Get Laid Tonight" Costume
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the costumes only the most douchey of douchebags will wear. I'm talking bout the "I Think I'm Witty Because I'm Dressing Up As A Double Entendre When Really I'm Not Funny Or Gonna Get Laid Tonight" costume. You've seen 'em, I know you have. Mostly worn by drunken frat boys who are compensating for the fact they have a tiny unit with their "Hung Like a Horse" costume, or the "Chick Magnet" costume worn by those who literally are never surronded by girls. Sure it may have been cuting edge and original when they first came out 15 years ago, but now they're old news. Wait, I'm wrong. 8th grader boys would probaly find them funny. So, ya know, if you like little boys, these costumes are for you.
The "Modern Day Monster" Costume
These costumes fall right in the middle of Halloween costume meter, since these costumes can fall into both the badass and crap categories. For every good Jason costume, there is a bad one. For every awesome Ghostface, there is an equally crappy knock-off. While the costume doesn't have to be perfect, it does need to have certain characteristics. Freedy Krueger should always wear his red and green sweater, a fedora, and those snazzy gloves of his. It doesn't matter how awesome your mask or make-up is, if your version of Freddy involves wearing a Van Halen t-shirt and some cargo shorts then you have failed at life and I suggest you leave the site immediately before I come out of your computer monitor and kick your ass myself. A Jason costume must always look like its been burried and rotting in dirt for quite some time. His mask shouldn't look too clean, unless you're aiming for that Part III look, and the only eye you should see is his good one, never both. If you do decide to be a "modern day monster" remember that getting the right costume may be difficult and pricey, but it's worth it to be the most realistic looking Freddy Krueger among the waves of trick 'r treaters wearing thos lop-sided latex masks.
The "I'm A Slut, So What?" Costume
Halloween is all about candy, monsters, and, for me at least, babes in skimpy outfits. Naughty school girls and sexy maids are a sight to behold, and it's quite a wonder that we actually have a celebrated holiday where girls are allowed to dress in such revealing clothing. Also, we get free candy, which goes to prove that Halloween is quite possibly the greatest day in the history of ever. Sigh, if only we got out of school for this. But I digress, as we have slutty costumes to talk about. Whether it's sexy nurses, teachers, policewomen, or vapiresses, all are welcome in my book, as long as you have the looks to pull it off. Shallow? Yes, but every guy feels this way, whether they admit it or not. One of the worst things a costume shop could ever do is sell a puls size naughty school girl or sexy nurse costume. It goes against morals. Fear not though my oversized lady friends, as my consciece wants me to walk away from this article with a false sense of accomplishment, and by that I mean not hurting anyones feelings. So there is hope for you yet! Many costume companies make costumes for the plus sized and they are not insulting to anyone's eyes or dignity. Just please, PLEASE, don't choose any overly-revealing costumes. Leave those for the drunken soriority girls. ;)
The "Sucky DIY Costume Because I Have No Money" Costume
The "I'm To Old For This Costume But I Really Liked The Movie So F*ck It" Costume
The fact that they actually make adult size "Toy Story" or "Incredibles" costumes boggles my mind. Nothing screams "loser" quite like showing up to a party dressed as Buzz Lightyear when you are thirt-five years old. Yet, I still see it happening every Halloween. I mean, who exactly are these people trying to please? Not themselves, as any self-respecting human being would not be caught in such a thing. Or maybe they're just too oblivious to such a thing as ridicule and have no fear of dressing up as a cartoon character? Don't think it's just cartoon character costumes that are self-depreciating either. Transformers are awesome, and while I find the older version of costumes made from boxes quite epic, the newer cloth costumes based on the live-action movies look quite retarded if I do say so myself. I can't picture any adult in such travesties. But the internet says that not only do these adult costumes exist but people actually wear them. My faith in Halloween is further depleted every year and it's even more sickening than eating your entire bag of trick 'r treat candy the night your recieve it. And everyone should know how painful that is.
The "Sucky DIY Costume Because I Have No Money" Costume
I can understand why somebody waited to the last minute to get a costume and must now come up with something quick to wear. I've been there before. And it may not neccissarily be finacial issues. You could just be lazy and waited untill the last minute to hit up the costume store and all they had left was an adult "Buzz Lightyear" costume, and that dumb "Chick Magnet" outfit. Or maybe you though you could build an outstanding costume and F*cked it up so badly that you have to think of something else to wear, quick. You could be one of those people who save their costumes for next year but you gained a tad bit of weight and that darn utility belt just doesn't fit anymore. Either way, just because your time and money is limited doesn't mean your cosume has to suck. If you are a lady, put on a bikini and make a sash out of ribbon or paper strips. Now you're a swim-suit pagent contestant. If you're a guy, steal some of your girlfriend's makeup (or your mom's. Whatever.). Put on some lipstick and whiteface, wear your most hideous clothes, then dye your hair with some Kool-Aid packets and now you're a clown. Or skip the Kool-Aid and lipstick and don some eye-shadow and dark threads. Now you're a mime or a goth kid. If you have a beard, wear a tie die shirt to pull of that hippie look. The possiblities are endless. However, there are some rules to follow. Don't pick something overly-complicated. A robot made of tin foil and cardboard boxes may seem easy at first, but it's not that hard to make something that looks like total crap. Quite a bit of detail has to go into certain costumes to prevent getting your ass kicked. Are you thinking of making a mummy out of toilet paper? Don't. That costume screams "I want to be punched in the face and have my candy stolen."
The "Badass DIY Costume Because I Have No Life" Costume
Like the "Traditional" and "Douchey" costumes mentioned above, this type of costume falls on the completely opposite side than the previously mentioned "DIY Costume". Instead of lacking money or time, you instead lack a life. And while you maybe able to produce a costume of sheer badassary, everyone would know you spent way too much time on something you'll just wear once every year and that's just as insulting as the toilet paper mummy. Sure, you'll be cool for a night and you'll undoubtedly have the coolest Optimus Prime costume out there, but is that worth your dignity and... Ya know what? It is. I don't know what the f*ck I'm talking about. I mean, c'mon it's a F*CKING OPTIMUS PRIME COSTUME! Look at it! Besides that watermark, It's beautiful! Dear sir who made that, I must shake your hand. Screw all that other stuff I said, you wasted your time wisely! That deserves to be worn more than just on Halloween or to Comic-Con. I'd bust that baby out to every social event I would attend, therefore I wouldn't be breaking the rules I stated earlier. So let me reiterate, If you waste time building such an epic costume and wear it once, afterwards storing it in your closet or garage for the rest of your years, then you suck at life more than the toilet paper mummy kid. But if you create this masterpiece and wear it everyday with pride and honor, then by all means, you are a hero in the eyes of millions of low-self esteemed, Cheeto-munching, over-weight, acne-ridden losers (Man, I'm just f*cking with everybody today, huh?).
The "Only Girl's You'll See In These Costumes Won't Look Anything Like The Model Above" Costumes
I may be wrong about this in some places, but for the most part, you would rarely see any girls dressed up as Wonder Woman or Princess Leia and have the body and the looks to pull it off. Again, I know it's a shallow thing to say but for the most part it's true. And the truth is fact and facts are never wrong (excluding that fact that says Pluto isn't a planet. That's motha f*cking false enitrely). But as I stated, there are exceptions. Jennifer Love-Hewitt is a supposed comic book fan. So is Kristen Bell. Therefore it may not be odd to see them dressed up as Elektra or Powergirl. And with that logic, it wouldn't seem totally out of the question to see other hotties dresssed up as heroines from our favorite nerdy media. But word of advise, It's more ikely you'll see this, than this.
The "If You Wear This I'm Going To Punch You In The Face" Costume
Okay, many. many costumes fall into this category, and I've already mentioned quite a few before (Toilet-paper mummy, "Hung Like a Horse" douche, etc.), but this category belongs to those so stupid, if I saw someone wearing them I would immediately punch that person in the face. There would be no pause, no second-guessing, no stopping to shake my head at the patheticness their costume displays. Just a good, swift punch in the face. I wouldn't have to worry about getting arrested or sued. The cops and lawyers would understand. I can picture all the stupid jerks in that "One Night Stand" costume ringing the door bell of there fellow neighbors so they can receieve their treats only for the door to open and a huge hairy fist knocks them into next week. You'll know the second you see the costumes I'm talking about just what I mean. It's the "Super-Jew" and the "Goth Milk" types costumes... The one's people actually think are funny in their own warped minds, when really they're either highly offensive or just insulting to our intelligence. "Goth Milk" isn't funny. It's not even a good attempt at clever play-on-words. Neither is the "One Night Stand" cotume. But do you know what is funny? Hospitials filled to the brim with knocked out motherf*ckers who did think they were funny. And trust me, there will be many of them.
The "This Movie Was So Popular If I Wear This Costume People Would Think I'm Cool" Costume
Anybody who has been to any Halloween event with other people, be it a party, a festival, or just trick 'r treating should know exactly what I'm talking about. Every year there is a hit movie. And with that hit movie, comes about a billion different people dressing up as that hit character from the hit movie for AHalloween. Last year it was the Joker from "The Dark Knight." In the years preceeding, Darth Maul, Neo, and Spider-man all recieved similar treatment. I can understand why one would have such obsessions with such badass characters, but as I stated before, I have a problem with commercialized halloween costumes. I feel Halloween costumes must be scary (or slutty) and have some sort of original element to it. I don't like seeing about thirty different people dressed up as Superman walking around town. It's annoying. At least if there was thirty different zombies walking around, they'd each be a little different. Some may be missing limbs. Others may be a really unrealistic but somehow classic puke green. Superman is always in blue tights with a yellow belt, a red cape and undies, and a giant S on his chest. Most people only wear these costumes to increase their popularity or get a reaction, as surely anybody dressed up as Wolverine would be the life of the party. I'm not going to put you down too much, at least you're a cool character and you are not wearing the "One Night Stand" costume, but seriously, could we get some originality up in this place?
The "Wow I'm Actually Frightening" Costume
Once in a very rare while, comes a great treat for all Halloween fans. An actually scary costume. This is all opinion of course (as is most of this article) as maybe it's a giant undead rabbit that scares the living bajebus out of you, while another person tends to favor this "Peter Rottentail" to a f*cked up mutant clown. But we all know of at least one costumed figure we would never walk up to in fear that it may actually be real. You can't deny it. It's this type of horror that Halloween is actually about. Not superhero costumes or witty word-play based costumes or (sadly) skimpy costumes for the ladies. It's all about sheer terror. That's why people go to haunted houses and set up watching Freddy Krueger films. And Halloween costumes should reflect this horror. I honestly don't see why one couldn't tap into their greatest fears and produce a costume of unimaginable fright. Hell, you don't even have to pay a lot for it nor do you even have to be creative for such costumes. You could make wonders with just a burlap sack or some makeup. Simplicity is what horror is about. That and giant undead rabbits.
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and doesn't even know what he's gonna be for Halloween yet. If he keeps this up he'll probably wind up as that toilet paper mummy he put down so much. You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
