5 Cartoon Villians That Could Kick The Crap Out Of Jack Bauer
By: Michael Lee
Jack Bauer. Problem solver, terrorist killer, and recently named toughest guy on television...
Don't worry. It's all a lie.
I CALL BULLSH*T! Appearently they must not have taken consideration of cartoon characters, because I can name five cartoon villians who chould kick the crap out of Jack Bauer. Plus, I can tell you how'd they do it. Let us take a look:
1. Sheldon J. Plankton
From What Show: Spongebob Squarepants
Why Is He A Threat To Jack Bauer: Plankton is well, plankton. He's microscopic. I mean, just look at him compared to a crab and a starfish. Heck a sponge could step on Plankton. So why is this an advantage? Plankton is an evil genious, an evil genious with laser guns. I don't see why plankton couldn't just enter one of Jack Bauer's orifices with his tiny ray gun, and use it to tear Jack's intestines to little tiny shreds of burning tissue.
How Jack Bauer Could Still Kick His Ass?: Ok, I'm going to give Jack the benefit of the doubt, since each of these supervillians have been beaten, and say that there is one possible way Jack could kick the crap out of them. How could he defeat Plankton? Well this wouldn't be that hard, since plankton can't really leave water, so as long as Jack Bauer stays away from beaches, lakes, pools etc. he wouldn't even have to confront Plankton.
2. Mewtwo
From What Show: Pokémon
Why Is He A Threat To Jack Bauer: I know most of you are saying, "What? Pokemon? OMG they are so gay!" but I'm 16. Pokemon is as nonstalgic to me as what I'm sure He-man is to you. Now, Mewtwo is a psychic pokémon, who has the ability of telekinisis, reading minds, and leading an army of cloned pokémon, pokémon that consists of a fire breathing dragon, a ten foot tall bipedal turtle with cannons on his shell, and a two foot rat who could send 10,000 volts of electricity through your veins. If Jack trys to shoot Mewtwo, Mewtwo could just stop the bullet with his mind and sick his f*cking sea serpent that can shoot hyper beams out of his mouth on him.
How Jack Bauer Could Still Kick His Ass?: Obviously, Jack would have to get his own gang of pokémon, train them, and fight them with Mewtwo's clones until the point of near death. Then, Jack would have to cry, point out that fighting is not the answer, and show Mewtwo the error of his ways. Hey, it worked in the first movie.
3. Wile E. Coyote
From What Show: Looney Tunes
Why Is He A Threat To Jack Bauer:
Wile E. Coyote is just that, a coyote. A coyote who hasn't eaten in the forty years he's been around. A coyote who hasn't eaten in forty years and has acsses to what seems like Cobra Comander's storage facility. Wile E. Coyote has used rockets, robots, and giant f*cking boulders that only Indiana Jones would be able to escape. Now I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "But the Coyote's weapons always backfire and kill him!" Well done cartoon nerd, you just proved my point. Wile E. Coyote CAN'T DIE. He's so friggen hungry, he will comeback from the grave to eat you. With his robots, rockets and giant boulders comes the electrocutions, explosions, and squashings we've all grown to love. However, the main reason his weapons always fail is because the f*cking Roadrunner he's been chasing all these years can somehow defy the laws of physics. Can Jack Bauer run through a giant rock just cause someone painted a road on it? More than likely, no, he cannot.
Even if he tries he'll be knocked out and left to be devoured by Wile himself.
How Jack Bauer Could Still Kick His Ass?: Two options: Jack could call animal services, or hope that Wile's giant rocket that's pointed at him somehow backfires.
4. The Joker
From What Show: Batman: The Animated Series
Why Is He A Threat To Jack Bauer: The Joker is the most f*cked up sonova b*tch there ever was, and that's saying alot in a world of half men, half aligators, crime fighters who dress up as bats, and short, fat millionaires who rob jewelry stores with killer birds. The Joker is a clown, an engineer, a chemist, a crime lord, skilled in martial arts and weapons, and he always kills you with a smile on his face. He lives just to f*ck with Batman's mind, breaking down the society around him, laughing as he does it.
How Jack Bauer Could Still Kick His Ass?: He can't. Sure, he's lost to batman a dozen of times, but he always has a plan, and he always comes back for more. I'm pretty sure the Joker would be highly disappointed if the police sent in a terrorist killer to beat him instead of the Bat, and the joker just wouldn't have that. He kill Jack in a heartbeat, or either use him as bait to lead Batman into one of his cynical traps.
5. Megatron
From What Show: The Transformers
Why Is He A Threat To Jack Bauer: Megatron is a giant, evil, transforming, alien robot, who leads an army of even more giant, evil, transforming, alien robots. He has no problem with killing humans or using them for twisted expiriments, which often involve teleportation and mind control. Megatron could kill Jack in all sorts of ways: shoot Jack with his giant arm canon, send him into space, step on him. Jacks helpless... Correction, humanity is helpless. Heck, I'm sure nobody would've made it out of the 80's if not for...
How Jack Bauer Could Still Kick His Ass?: ...The Autobots. Good, giant, transforming, alien robots. We've already established that Megatron could just step on Jack, therefore his only option is to "team-up" with the Autobots. And by "team-up", I mean get Optimus and his army to beat the sh*t out of the Decipticons, as Jack watches from the sidelines, cheering. It's a shame when television's toughest man is reduced to a cheerleader in a giant robot war.
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and has self proclaimed he is "The best looking nerd that isn't Ryan Reynolds". You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
