The Ten Sexiest Action Figures Ever Made To Be Collected
By: Michael Lee
Nothing says "pathetically lonely old man" just like an action figure collector. And nothing says "pathetically perverted lonely old man" like the collector of these action figures. We at Nerdism has scoured the internet in search of the most beatuifully stunning action figures (and that includes those statue toys you can order on-line from all those toy collectors). Be it Laura Croft or Mary Jane Watson, most toy-makers have realized their target audience with certain nerdy toys and have decided over the years to focus more attention on their breats and hips than their actions and accessories (which arugably defines an action figure). So why don't we take a look at The TenSexiest Action Figures Ever Made To Be Collected
10) Swimsuit [Slut] Barbie --Hasbro
Okay, so maybe Barbie isn't an action figure, but she's 12" and is movable, therefore she goes on the list... Mainly so I can talk about how slutty Barbie has become over the years. I mean, at least she was repectable back in the 50's and 60's but now Barbie is just a mock up of sexism and slutty outfits. Tell me that Barbie up there doesn't look like some college whore you'd take home after a college party and catch crabs from. This is the model little 6 year old girls have to go by now? seesh. Still, she's pretty sexy even though every guy has peeked up Barbie's skirt once. Whore.
9) School Girl Sarah Palin (And Super Hero Palin) --Hero Builder
Sarah Palin. Former Vice-Presidential candidate. GILF. Now you can own your very own Sasrah Palin action figure with removal school girl outfit. Sexy? Proabably to most college freshmen who think that its funny to want to bang Sarah Palin. Otherwise, It's pretty creepy
8) Tomb Raider: Lara Croft --NECA
Anybody who has seen "Grandma's Boy" know just how erotic a Lara Croft toy is. Short shorts, quite a few guns, and those seductive, peircing eyes of hers... She's practically a female Indiana Jones. And really, I dare you to try to dispute that awesomeness. Hehe, on a side note, I'd love to push her buttons *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*
7) Vampirella & "The View From Behind" Variant
--Moore Action Collectibles
I don't know how I missed Vampirella for my "Best Boobs in Comics" editorial, but let me state it here that she WILL make the second cut (that's right another "Best ___ In Comics" is on the way, and this article should give you a hint on what it is about...). But that's neither here nor there so lets get back to the point. Big hooters aren't the only fantasic quality Vampirella has. She's also got a rockin' rear. Such a rockin' rear, in fact, that the creator of her toy couldn't figure out which way to package her toy. Luckily, a genius marketer though of the idea to just have two different ways of packaging her voluptious figure: One way facing forward like normal action figures, and another way with Vampirella turned around, showing off her scantily clad booty. I seriously hope that marketer got a serious raise for that idea.
6) Just About Every Anime/Manga Based Toy Ever-- Just About Every Anime/Manga Based Toy Producers Ever
I'm not going to lie. Aside from Pokemon, I'm not much into the Japnese anime/manga stuff. Hell, even Pokemon got old after I turned eleven, and I can only look back upon it with nostalgia. Though, Japanese toymakers constantly offer up incredibly good reasons why one should follow this stuff. All I had to do was type "Anime Action Figure" into Google Images and on the first page was an anime girl in a tiny french maid uniform bending over toy, an anime girl in a very tight spacesuit toy, an anime girl in a bikini toy, an anime girl wearing something that only really serves to show off her cleavage toy, an anime girl wearing something that only really serves to show off her ass toy, and a completely naked anime girl toy. ...F*ck. They offer damn fine reasons to why we should be reading/watching anime/manga right now.
5) McFarlane's Twisted Christmas: Mrs. Claus
--McFarlane's Toys
I'm going to give you a little random michael info: After a naughty school sigl and a sexy nurse, slutty Mrs. Santa is like at the top pf my fantasy role playing partner's costume of choice. That's actually kind of creepy, but can you blame me? Look at Mrs. Claus up there. She's f*cking smokin'. Those horrid little elves do tend to distract away from the beauty though, so I have to take off some points. Good work again McFarlane. Good work.
4) Armor Bikini Witchblade --CS Moore
I've already expressed my fondness for Withcblade and her pretty hot rack.So needless to say that this action figure is possibly one of the sexiest toys ever released. She's practically nude, wearing a barely there bra and a thong that show's quite a bit from the back (I have a feeling that 3/4th didn't even make it to this part as you all went on Google images to research this yourself). Is armor bikini even neccissary at this point though? I don't read the comics but this can't be protecting homegirl here from too much. Oh well, I'm not complaining.
3) Queen Gorgo --NECA
Anybody who has seen 300 knows just how amazingly beautiful Queen Gorgo is, and this figure doen't fail to represent. However, just at first glance, this action figure doesn't seem like much. Upon further inspection you discover just how SFW this toy is. First up, all you have to do is turn her arounfd to see her displaying her beautiful half-moon to the world. Even the people of ancient times had the right to show a little coin slot if they wanted. With today's standards, who are we to judge? Even closer inspection of this toy will lead you to quite a shocking discovery, she has nipples! Not just sloppily painted on nips either, these things are skillfully drawn on with the upmost precision. Really makes you wonder about the people in this world huh... Ah, who am I kidding, if you're on this page you're pretty much one of those pervs looking for toys with darwn-on-tits (No offense)
2) Star Wars Unleashed Slave Leia --Hasbro
Best thing about "Return of the Jedi"? The entire beginning on Jabba's sail barge. Best thing about Jabba's Sail barge> Princess Leia's golden slave bikini. And just look at the box art for this toy! She looks super seductive. Even the Emperor seems to be turned on by this! The Star Wares Unleashed toy series has some pretty amazing figure. This one is with out a doubt the sexiest though... wait a second? When did Leia ever come in contact with a stripper pole on that barge? Is that just some more attractive box art or is there a scene George Lucas isn't telling us about, keeping it to his grubby little perverted hands?
1) Mary Jane Watson --Sideshow Collectibles
Mary Jane Watson is, without a doubt, the one girl I'd do from any comic book. I'd pass on Powergirl, Wonderwoman, Rogue, you name it, just for one night with Mary Jane. I'm pretty sure this collectable shows why. Whoever sculpted this surely didn't want to leave anything to the imagination. Look at her, she's bending over a wash tub quite suggestively, wearing a low cut top that exposes a massive amount of cleavage, jeans with a rip on the left butt-cheek, and a pink thong sneaking up past her hips. This toy was made specifically for horny old bald nerds who spend hours trying not to remove toys like this from their box only to fail miserably when they need to satisfy their urge. Ew, that actually left quite a bad image in my mind. Looks as if I need Mary Jane to help remove such horrible thoughts... thank God for this toy.
Honorable Mention: The Britney
Spears Crotch Flash Action Figure
This didn't make the list soley for the fact that it isn't sexy. It does deserve to be mentioned though, since it does feature a sculpted Britney Spears' vagina. That's just hilarious really.
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and says you're never too old for toys, especially these toys ;) You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
