The Most Pointless Job In The World (And Why
I'm Qualified To Do It)
By: Michael Lee
While gallivanting across the Internet, in search to fulfill my daily need for dick jokes and useless Star Wars trivia, I came across a startling discovery: Katy Perry has hired a Breast adjuster to make sure her rack is always properly even for show.
What the Hell? First off, this job isn't even necessary. All girls have moments where their lady lumps simply are not in proper order. The thing is, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to make sure your boobs are even. Hell, it's so easy you can (and are supposed to) do it yourself. However, I understand Katy's dilemma. Her boobs are quite large and it's obvious she has to adjust them many, many times and I'm sure it gets annoying over time (I've included pictures for emphasis:)
Therefore I forgive her. However, I can't help but to think it is laziness/jobs like this that contributed to our declining economy. I'm sure this jerk gets paid way to much to cop a feel on a celebrity whose main talent is contributed to her chest. To think that the money waisted in this guy could go to starving kids in Ethiopia or rebuilding schools in Haiti boils my blood! And it's not just Katy Perry getting in on this boob wrangler action. It seems that many more celebrities have hopped the bandwagon for paying for this pointless boob adjusting job:
Jessica Biel
Olivia Munn
Scarlett Johansson
Princess Leia
Even babies are getting in on this action, adjusting the breasts of Jessica Alba, who I feel is the hottest celebrity in the galaxy.
So here's my proposition: either hot celebrities stop paying chumps for a job they can do themselves, or let me join in. After all, what is the Internet good for other than letting nerds express the entertainment industry's faults and proclaiming how they could do it better, and I know I could do this job better. First off, I'm a sixteen year old boy so of course I'm good with my hands. Secondly, every job I'm assigned, I do to the best of my abilities and then some, so in other words, if I care for my job I'll over do it with style and flair. Not only will I adjust hot celebrity's boobs, but I'll inspect them, massage them, keep them warm, etc. The only problem with this is that it seems every hot celebrity already has a guy on her boobs, which would piss me off if it wasn't for another discovery I made online:
Megan fox has to adjust her rack by herself! That's absurd I say (which I'm pretty sure goes against my earlier argument about how useless this job is but work with me here). Look at the disgust on her face. Look at her hands being used for something other than flipping the bird, ripping the organs out of high school boys, and/or preventing alien robots from humping her legs (cause really, what else does that bitch do?). So Miss Fox, I officially submit my application for breast adjuster. You already heard about how well I use my hands and how I plan to do my job better than anybody else. Plus, I'll punch Michael Bay in the face for you anytime you want (I know you don't like him. I read blogs) Get back to me sometime, babe. I promise I won't let you down (in more ways than one).
Wow. This was pathetic.
Michael Lee is a writer for Nerdism Comics, and really enjoys doing reseach on boob-related editorials. You can write to him at Nerdismcomics@yahoo.com
